Melbourne Swag

Dear Jesus Lover,

we have saved the best of Melbourne for last.  The trendiness of the city makes it impossible to have just one absolute favourite place to spend His Vatican bonds.  Who better than the masters at Harry Wragg to show the good Lord how to mix vintage and new.  It also helps that they really do have the best A-grade shit in town!

Mim shared with His Holiness the delights of one of a kind shoe designs.

The Lord even managed to sneak a little fun in the changing rooms!  It was a case of “What happens in Melbourne, stays in Melbourne” for this Brit tourist!

Group photo with His churchmice and the newly acquired fashion investments.  Armed with these acquisitions, the trendy generation will have no choice but to take notice of the Saviour, even if it’s the outfit and not the preaching.  As the marketing gurus say, “Any attention is good attention!”.

The Lord was spent after that fashion flurry at Harry Wragg.  He learned a few lessons on how to up His swag.  This called for a trip to Koko Black!

It was just what the doctor ordered….

Since He had His fill of milk chocolate, He had the tart and got some dark chocolate for later.

 The Lord is pleased with His flock in Melbourne, they have excelled at the most important aspects of life; food, fashion and opulent surroundings.  He will be back with more Vatican bonds to check that they have made further progress.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

Get some swag at Harry Wragg.

Hard Rock Cafe (1)

Dear Jesus Lover,

the Messiah thought he’d grab an iconic bite before hitting the beach again.  What better place than the Hard Rock Cafe?

The iconic at iconic places.

The Lord was very pleased with the warm and enthusiastic welcome.

It was better than Hooters and their “see no touch” policy.  He liked how the staff here worked up his appetite.

He chose to go with the latest fad diet.  A liquid lunch.  Less calories than a double burger and He walks (read: stumbles) out happier!

The perfect starter… Maybe a Margarita for the main?  He is fond of them Mexicans.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak 

SFA Thursday?

Dear Jesus Lover,

sometimes you must NOT impose restrictions upon yourself.  The Messiah heeds this philosophy and heads down to Surfers Paradise.

Feels the wind in his hair and in between his toes

He is glad to know the lifeguards are on standby but he is not disrobing to jump into the sea today.  Holy water must remain a scarce commodity!

Lifeguards are like condoms, always at the ready.

The Lord got comfortable..

Better than latex mattresses with a good view.

He can let his hair down knowing there will be no parking fines.

Rock On,

Wheeze & SQueak

Life Lesson No.3: How to Be Faketastic!

Dear Jesus Lover,

the Lord understands sometimes you must pretend/put on a show/deceive/bullshit for personal gain.  Life is such and He is sympathetic to the trials of life.  But he insist that if you pretend/put on a show/deceive/bullshit for personal gain, you do it with flair, enthusiasm and even better if it’s for a good cause!

This Elvis impersonator is obviously missing the gaudy get up and a lot of hair.  This is poor Elvis fakery.  His Holiness was disappointed as he thought the memory and the music of the royalty of rock and roll deserved better.

BUT!!!

He found this gem!  He gave generously by text to save tiger cubs in the wild.

He hopes you have been inspired to take your performances of fakery to greater heights, be it fund-raising, talking your way out of law enforcement’s expensive evil grasp or the weekly blowjobligation.  If you are faking it – be faketastic!

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

Église Saint-Sulpice

Dear Jesus Lover,

the Lord was suitably impressed with yesterday’s visit to the oldest church in Paris.  Today He has decided to see if all the publicity from Angels and Demons has made any difference to Église Saint-Sulpice.  They were under strict orders to sell as many candles to the terrified as possible and he wants to see if they have met the quota.

Candles!  That’s €2 burning right there!

Love how they even have a photo of Joseph (that’s Pope Benedict XVI to you).

Checking out the confession facilities.  10 Hail Marys and last night’s visit to that establishment is forgiven.

He found the root of the problem.  It was clear early Catholic priests favoured boys too much, so much so they carved it into marble and passed that love on.  He studied the composition, the pervy gaze, baby on lap and pulling up other child’s skirt.  He lit a candle for their innocence and vowed to review the priest syllabus – perhaps more emphasis on discretion and bribery.

A must before He left!

Now with business all taken care of His Holiness can truly enjoy the sights, sounds, food and people of Paris!

Rock Sur,

Wheeze & SQueak 

“Jesus Is The New Black” GaGa 2011

Dear Jesus Lover,

The Messiah is very grateful for the following He has received in recent times. However, He realises that he must stay current. It has been hard work for him getting in touch with the common man and showing you that catholic priest are not the only ones that can misbehave.

His Holiness decided to pay a visit to the local CD shop to see what were the latest offerings.

Browsing the racks (CDs and ladies) he realised that anything in the discount bin just does not satisfy.

Jesus then came across a certain individual – Lady GaGa. Turning overleaf, he got excited by such tracks like Judas, Electric Chapel, Bloody Mary and Black Jesus just to name a few.

This is exactly what the church needs – controversy to keep it current!

“Meet me later at electric chapel?”

Bloody Mary, never let me get with chicks like these!

Insert! Insert! Insert! Jesus is excited over insertion.

God’s choice – Government Hooker. Nothing like a bureaucrat to help you take the edge off. The experience is heightened if this bureaucrat can speak German. Imaging the tongue rolling involved.

Just like Jesus – say “NO” to piracy!

Rock On

Wheeze & SQueak

A Sunday Kind of Love

Dear Jesus Lover,

the Messiah was listening to some classic tunes* in the shower and was inspired.  He too needs “a love to last past Saturday night” and He’s “hoping to discover a certain kind of lover“.  The firefighters got Him all hot and bothered under the collar.  He decided to take an aimless stroll to let of some steam.

Choosing the right path is always difficult.  Left or right?

He ended up here!  (Sydney’s Kings Cross!!)

We cannot go into detail how He ended up here.  Everyone has shameful moments, He is no exception.

His Holiness apologises for the lack of continuity in the photographic material.  He had a bout of post coital dysphoria** and deeply regrets his actions.  Can’t always love ’em and leave ’em!  He has resolved that next Sunday he will go to the pub and play pool instead.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

*Etta James’ Sunday Kind of Love.  Available free for your listening pleasure at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfNLspDL3ns

**Post coital dysphoria:  Occurs post satisfactory nookies when a person should normally feel a sense of general well-being and experience muscular and physiological relaxation.  Sufferers become depressed, tense, anxious, irritable and show psychomotor agitation.  Sufferers often want to get away from the nookied and may become verbally or even physically abusive.  The disorder is more common in men.