Slinking Through Sydney….

Dear Jesus Lover,

The Lord is apologetic about the slight hiatus in posting.  He has been tied up doing the obligatory tourist thing with SQueak when Wheeze came for a visit.  It’s a good thing His churchmice know the importance of Him having a good time!

He decided the best place to start was close to home, hitting the tourist spots along Darling Harbour.  So off they went to WILD LIFE!

He used this opportunity to visit some of his creations and show His love doesn’t discriminate.  He loves all creatures, big, small and even ugly.

 

And stupid.  Like the Emus.

And lazy.  Like Koalas whose species have single-handedly elevated the phrase ‘Eat, Sleep and Shit’ to greater heights.

He was economical and purchased the Combo Pass so they could go to the Sydney Aquarium too.

He was not impressed with the lighting which didn’t highlight His favourite features.

 Some of the exhibits reminded him of the Amalfi coast.  But it was obviously no substitute and lacking His shrivelled, leathery, overcooked followers.

 He was pleased to bump into Ariel of ‘The Little Mermaid’ fame  (he’d seen pictures of her in the tabloids recently and sadly it looked like she had let herself go).  She had obviously had some work done.  Same-same but different texture.   His Holiness also commented on how women have become more plastic in the last 2000 years.

He also took a snap with his old fabled pal M. Dick!

His Holiness also noticed society’s renewed fascination with sex and how much importance is placed on size.  He had a little giggle since He did not make every equal!  The Lord hopes that this joke will long continue and has left it in the very capable hands of authors, editors and publishers of children’s  books to continue drilling it into the next generation!

He decided he had enough with the tourist in Sydney and thought His churchmice deserved a treat – TRENDY MELBOURNE!

Rock on!

Wheeze & SQueak

Hard Rock Cafe (1)

Dear Jesus Lover,

the Messiah thought he’d grab an iconic bite before hitting the beach again.  What better place than the Hard Rock Cafe?

The iconic at iconic places.

The Lord was very pleased with the warm and enthusiastic welcome.

It was better than Hooters and their “see no touch” policy.  He liked how the staff here worked up his appetite.

He chose to go with the latest fad diet.  A liquid lunch.  Less calories than a double burger and He walks (read: stumbles) out happier!

The perfect starter… Maybe a Margarita for the main?  He is fond of them Mexicans.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak 

SFA Thursday?

Dear Jesus Lover,

sometimes you must NOT impose restrictions upon yourself.  The Messiah heeds this philosophy and heads down to Surfers Paradise.

Feels the wind in his hair and in between his toes

He is glad to know the lifeguards are on standby but he is not disrobing to jump into the sea today.  Holy water must remain a scarce commodity!

Lifeguards are like condoms, always at the ready.

The Lord got comfortable..

Better than latex mattresses with a good view.

He can let his hair down knowing there will be no parking fines.

Rock On,

Wheeze & SQueak

Église Saint-Sulpice

Dear Jesus Lover,

the Lord was suitably impressed with yesterday’s visit to the oldest church in Paris.  Today He has decided to see if all the publicity from Angels and Demons has made any difference to Église Saint-Sulpice.  They were under strict orders to sell as many candles to the terrified as possible and he wants to see if they have met the quota.

Candles!  That’s €2 burning right there!

Love how they even have a photo of Joseph (that’s Pope Benedict XVI to you).

Checking out the confession facilities.  10 Hail Marys and last night’s visit to that establishment is forgiven.

He found the root of the problem.  It was clear early Catholic priests favoured boys too much, so much so they carved it into marble and passed that love on.  He studied the composition, the pervy gaze, baby on lap and pulling up other child’s skirt.  He lit a candle for their innocence and vowed to review the priest syllabus – perhaps more emphasis on discretion and bribery.

A must before He left!

Now with business all taken care of His Holiness can truly enjoy the sights, sounds, food and people of Paris!

Rock Sur,

Wheeze & SQueak 

“Jesus Is The New Black” GaGa 2011

Dear Jesus Lover,

The Messiah is very grateful for the following He has received in recent times. However, He realises that he must stay current. It has been hard work for him getting in touch with the common man and showing you that catholic priest are not the only ones that can misbehave.

His Holiness decided to pay a visit to the local CD shop to see what were the latest offerings.

Browsing the racks (CDs and ladies) he realised that anything in the discount bin just does not satisfy.

Jesus then came across a certain individual – Lady GaGa. Turning overleaf, he got excited by such tracks like Judas, Electric Chapel, Bloody Mary and Black Jesus just to name a few.

This is exactly what the church needs – controversy to keep it current!

“Meet me later at electric chapel?”

Bloody Mary, never let me get with chicks like these!

Insert! Insert! Insert! Jesus is excited over insertion.

God’s choice – Government Hooker. Nothing like a bureaucrat to help you take the edge off. The experience is heightened if this bureaucrat can speak German. Imaging the tongue rolling involved.

Just like Jesus – say “NO” to piracy!

Rock On

Wheeze & SQueak

A Sunday Kind of Love

Dear Jesus Lover,

the Messiah was listening to some classic tunes* in the shower and was inspired.  He too needs “a love to last past Saturday night” and He’s “hoping to discover a certain kind of lover“.  The firefighters got Him all hot and bothered under the collar.  He decided to take an aimless stroll to let of some steam.

Choosing the right path is always difficult.  Left or right?

He ended up here!  (Sydney’s Kings Cross!!)

We cannot go into detail how He ended up here.  Everyone has shameful moments, He is no exception.

His Holiness apologises for the lack of continuity in the photographic material.  He had a bout of post coital dysphoria** and deeply regrets his actions.  Can’t always love ’em and leave ’em!  He has resolved that next Sunday he will go to the pub and play pool instead.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

*Etta James’ Sunday Kind of Love.  Available free for your listening pleasure at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfNLspDL3ns

**Post coital dysphoria:  Occurs post satisfactory nookies when a person should normally feel a sense of general well-being and experience muscular and physiological relaxation.  Sufferers become depressed, tense, anxious, irritable and show psychomotor agitation.  Sufferers often want to get away from the nookied and may become verbally or even physically abusive.  The disorder is more common in men.