Arrivederci Amalfi, Ti Amo!

Dear Jesus Lover,

The Lord is spending his last day on the Amalfi Coast. He is spending today, tying up loose ends and finishing his trip on a high. After some much needed rays and SFA (sweet fuck all) at the pebbled beach, he tottles off to the Cathedral of Amalfi.

No mountain too high, no hill to steep!

“Come follow me” – words that St. Andrew followed, look what he got for it.

…A pretty crypt on one of the best coast in the world (location, location, location). It pays to be a fisherman and follow strangers! Jesus will be heading back home after a long trip living la dolce vita and is glad to know that his houses are still raking in the dollars. He shared his life with you, the least you could do is share some dollars with him. Bible sales up!

Rock On,

Wheeze & SQueak 

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The Vatican.

Dear Jesus Lover,

the time has come in The Lord’s Italian escapade to put his head down and his bum up. All in the name of work of course! He is visiting the little city in a city dedicated to his worship, The Vatican.

“Long walks are my speciality”

Just a quick stop to refuel at St. Peters square.  Must tell them to clean off the moss.

He then enters St. Peters Basilica incognito. Jesus fits the strict dress code required to enter the basilica. Shoulders covered – check. Knees covered – what knees?. Appropriate neckline – check.

Michalengelo’s Pieta – mommy and me!

The least I could do for my apostle Peter – keep his seat warm!

Eucharist time – form an orderly queue and open wide!

He then gave Peters feet a quick rub for luck before he was hurried along by the men in black…

Addressing St Peters square – shame no one was listening. How can a cripple old Pope have more pull? Cue foot stamp!

The Messiah left St. Peters Basilica glad that this place was dedicated to his apostle Peter who was crucified upside down because he knew he was never going to be on the level playing field with him.

Next stop: Vatican Museum and the Sistine Chapel.

Rock On,

Wheeze & SQueak

Size Is Everything.

Dear Jesus Lover,

today The Messiah comes face to face with his fear of nails which now a relic in the Milan Duomo. One of the 4 largest cathedrals in the world.

Gothic, gone wild!

Light my fire. BLOW my candle!

“Somethings are best laid to rest, I am not one of them.”

Also facing his fear of nails, especially the one that secured him firmly to the cross.

“I am your religious 7-eleven!”

Sorry about the skin and head Bartholomew. What happens in the The Caspian Sea, stays at The Caspian Sea.

Circumcision without margins.

You know the feeling when you just keep cutting in hope to make it better, sometimes things don’t go according to plan. Back alley doctors are well familiar with this feeling.

Jesus will be lightening the mood next time with a visit to a happier place at Parco Sempione with SQueak and their matchy matchy red hats.

Rock On,

Wheeze and SQueak

Église Saint-Sulpice

Dear Jesus Lover,

the Lord was suitably impressed with yesterday’s visit to the oldest church in Paris.  Today He has decided to see if all the publicity from Angels and Demons has made any difference to Église Saint-Sulpice.  They were under strict orders to sell as many candles to the terrified as possible and he wants to see if they have met the quota.

Candles!  That’s €2 burning right there!

Love how they even have a photo of Joseph (that’s Pope Benedict XVI to you).

Checking out the confession facilities.  10 Hail Marys and last night’s visit to that establishment is forgiven.

He found the root of the problem.  It was clear early Catholic priests favoured boys too much, so much so they carved it into marble and passed that love on.  He studied the composition, the pervy gaze, baby on lap and pulling up other child’s skirt.  He lit a candle for their innocence and vowed to review the priest syllabus – perhaps more emphasis on discretion and bribery.

A must before He left!

Now with business all taken care of His Holiness can truly enjoy the sights, sounds, food and people of Paris!

Rock Sur,

Wheeze & SQueak 

Eglise St-Germain-des-Prés, Paris

Dear Jesus Lover,

since His Holiness is billing the Vatican for His expenses He chose to get the business part of the trip done and over with.  He spent the day in Paris’ oldest church, Paroissee Saint-Germain-des-Prés.

His flock has to be reminded of His high tolerance for pain.  Loved the dramatic set up.

Equal opportunities for all. Both sexes can love Him and He loves both sexes.  It’s a two-way street.

He loves animals too.

 He loved the violence.  Nothing better than a prepubescent priest wielding a cross stomping on a severed head on the Lord’s book to send the right message.  He will smite you wet blankets!!! Also give generously.

The Lord is off to visit Saint Sulpice tomorrow and  see what all the movie hype was about.

Rock sur,

Wheeze & SQueak 

Go to Church!

Dear Jesus Lover,

The Lord decided to do a little spot check at one of the local historic churches.  He was pleased to see that its doors were open between services and the £2 he put into collection box made a healthy clank.

Loving the stained glass and high imposing ceilings.

The Messiah burned his finger in all the excitement. He loved the romantic feel.

Tested out the pews.

Checked out the reading material.  Up to date!

Family portrait.  The Messiah concluded He looks better in resin.

 He felt right at home with the mini display and thanked them for their efforts.

He faced up to his fear of nails.

He said 10 Hail Marys and absolved himself of sin.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak