Caramelise The World…

Dear Jesus Lover,

it’s that time of year for me to plan a partay!

Once a year you illuminate phallus shaped objects in my honour.

Mammary gland disguised as rotary device – nice one zumbo!

Tasting the party food amongst his villagers.

Kawaii animae GROs*!

Going in for the purchase, not just the average free – sample. Trying is for buying.

Roman catholics provide the best service. “Milo, please!”

Spares, cos Santa ALWAYS rapes the buffet.

Happy ending. Always.

Don’t forget this is the season for giving not just receiving. Be silly but safe.

God’s choice:

Adriano Zumbo Patissier: 80 Pyrmont Street, Pyrmont

Rock On,

Wheeze & SQueak


* GRO = guest relation officer.

 

Arrivederci Amalfi, Ti Amo!

Dear Jesus Lover,

The Lord is spending his last day on the Amalfi Coast. He is spending today, tying up loose ends and finishing his trip on a high. After some much needed rays and SFA (sweet fuck all) at the pebbled beach, he tottles off to the Cathedral of Amalfi.

No mountain too high, no hill to steep!

“Come follow me” – words that St. Andrew followed, look what he got for it.

…A pretty crypt on one of the best coast in the world (location, location, location). It pays to be a fisherman and follow strangers! Jesus will be heading back home after a long trip living la dolce vita and is glad to know that his houses are still raking in the dollars. He shared his life with you, the least you could do is share some dollars with him. Bible sales up!

Rock On,

Wheeze & SQueak 

Sweet Sistine Part Due

Dear Jesus Lover,

the Little Messiah was making his way through the hallways – it reminded him of his days in the mosh pits, minus the smell of green but the body odours have not changed much.

family fresco!

 Me, mommy and god!

Sistine Chapel: No photos allowed – probably due to the copyright image laws imposed by those Japs.

Good fakery – surprised no stamp saying made in china.

Always neatly trimmed hedges.

One for the mantle.

An “I AM JESUS, BOW BEFORE ME” moment.

Good work Benedict XVI.

The visit made the Messiah feel at ease. Benedict was doing his best, raking in the dollars with audio guides and unnecessary merchandise. Only tip: more controversy to keep the church current! Somehow he feels those catholic priest have this area well and truly covered.

Now, to enjoy the rest of his holiday!

Rock On,

Wheeze & SQueak

Sweet Sistine Part Una.

Dear Jesus Lover,

The Little Messiah tottled off to the Musei Vaticani.

 

He may have cut the queue with his pre-booked ticket. But nothing in life is free – even a visit to his homes cost him.

A light lunch followed by a wipe down with raspberry wipes. Keeping it clean.

He was glad to find a mini version so he could plan his journey.

“Child – forget the artwork, I am here”

He then made it to the packed corridors.

Sometimes your job is hard but you must power along, after all Michelangelo did put in more effort than this to decorate His house.

Stay tuned as Jesus meanders his way through the Vatican!

Rock On,

Wheeze & SQueak

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chronical of “Under The Thumb”

Dear Jesus Lover,

today The Lord will show you a perfect example that all men are “under the thumb”.

Take perfect specimen:

“Its a lady’s way or the highway bitches”

Vasari’s Corridor! Commissioned to be built by one of the Dukes from the powerful Florentine Medici family in 1954. His son Francesco married a fierce woman who did not believe living near a sewer was glamours she demanded that Francesco lives a million miles from work. So this elevated covered walk-way was built to ensure a safe passage to work and a constant reminder that women rule!  Even Hitler loved the idea.

Rock On,

Wheeze & SQueak

Bitches…I’m Back!!

Dear Jesus Lover,

The Messiah has decided to make his comeback by hitting the town. Starting the night off with good food and bubble tea COCK-tails are just what he needs. Off to the seedy part of town he heads…..

He arrives at Ms G’s….

Strikes a Saturday Night Fever Pose… Staying aliveeeeee!!!!

Checking out what is on offer…variety is the spice of life!

After sucking on his cocktail, some straw dancing was in order

Even Jesus knows Asians are a superior species, they can do mental math.  Shame about the lack of driving skills.

No night is complete without rubbing shoulders with celeb chefs, George Calombaris and the ever-so-famous Curtis Stone.

 Curtis was happy to see the Messiah.  Like all lessons before – good fakery is important George.

He finished off his meal with dessert and tea…

The Lord then decided that he will pay a visit to the house with the large neon numbers.

Until next time dear Jesus Lovers…

Rock On (The Messiah did long after the cocktails were finished),

Wheeze & SQueak

Life Lesson No.3: How to Be Faketastic!

Dear Jesus Lover,

the Lord understands sometimes you must pretend/put on a show/deceive/bullshit for personal gain.  Life is such and He is sympathetic to the trials of life.  But he insist that if you pretend/put on a show/deceive/bullshit for personal gain, you do it with flair, enthusiasm and even better if it’s for a good cause!

This Elvis impersonator is obviously missing the gaudy get up and a lot of hair.  This is poor Elvis fakery.  His Holiness was disappointed as he thought the memory and the music of the royalty of rock and roll deserved better.

BUT!!!

He found this gem!  He gave generously by text to save tiger cubs in the wild.

He hopes you have been inspired to take your performances of fakery to greater heights, be it fund-raising, talking your way out of law enforcement’s expensive evil grasp or the weekly blowjobligation.  If you are faking it – be faketastic!

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

The Louvre – Part 3

Dear Jesus Lover,

a trip to the Louvre is not complete without viewing the Mona Lisa.

He was glad for the clear directions.  Anticipate needs!

He parted the sea of Chinese, Japanese, Korean and American tourists with ease to get the best spot in front.

He was most impressed with the painting of His chai walla.  They obviously left out the tattoo.

The scribes got it wrong!  There is a gay quarter in Heaven!  Perfectly depicted here.  2 levels of beauty in oils.  Lots of abs, easy access cloth and plenty of cuddling.

GTL.  This was clearly recognised in the early days.  Gym so you have a fit bod to pose naked, Tan – pasty is never in fashion, unless you’re a ginger in denial, Laundry – no one likes to see that He has been less than kind.  Keep small members under wraps.

Rock sur,

Wheeze & SQueak

A Pleasant Surprise

Dear Jesus Lover,

Saturday has come around again. Given the shocking past few weeks The Lord has had and his little talk with The Spaniard still fresh in his mind; He decided to put in a couple of extra hours at the office meeting, greeting and preaching.

 

He got out early and came across this….

 

The Messiah was feeling warm and fuzzy from the love.

He thought this was a very appropriate illustration of one of his 10 commandments:

Love thy neighbour. The Messiah hopes you do the same. He is grateful that he put in the extra hours at the office so he could come across this gem.

Rock On,

Wheeze & SQueak

Wear and Tear

Dear Jesus Lover,

His Holiness is off to travel soon. He needs some R&R after pushing his propaganda and meeting the little people on the street. Despite His resurrection, some maintenance work needs to be done to keep Him well aligned and balanced.

He paid a visit to his chiropractor for a little crack and rub down.

In chiro speak “Jesus is a crack addict”.

Just as He likes it – face down, bum up!

Getting in deep.

Just like The Little Messiah, do not forget to look after your temple. Get it aligned and adjusted. You too like The Messiah may end up a “crack” addict. He walks out feeling good and 0.5cm taller.

Rock On,

Wheeze & SQ ueak