Melbourne Swag

Dear Jesus Lover,

we have saved the best of Melbourne for last.  The trendiness of the city makes it impossible to have just one absolute favourite place to spend His Vatican bonds.  Who better than the masters at Harry Wragg to show the good Lord how to mix vintage and new.  It also helps that they really do have the best A-grade shit in town!

Mim shared with His Holiness the delights of one of a kind shoe designs.

The Lord even managed to sneak a little fun in the changing rooms!  It was a case of “What happens in Melbourne, stays in Melbourne” for this Brit tourist!

Group photo with His churchmice and the newly acquired fashion investments.  Armed with these acquisitions, the trendy generation will have no choice but to take notice of the Saviour, even if it’s the outfit and not the preaching.  As the marketing gurus say, “Any attention is good attention!”.

The Lord was spent after that fashion flurry at Harry Wragg.  He learned a few lessons on how to up His swag.  This called for a trip to Koko Black!

It was just what the doctor ordered….

Since He had His fill of milk chocolate, He had the tart and got some dark chocolate for later.

 The Lord is pleased with His flock in Melbourne, they have excelled at the most important aspects of life; food, fashion and opulent surroundings.  He will be back with more Vatican bonds to check that they have made further progress.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

Get some swag at Harry Wragg.

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Easter: Crusade Against Racism

Dear Jesus Lover,

The Lord has decided to interrupt the updates on His Melbourne adventure to speak to you his flock about an issue that is close to His heart – RACISM.  Even though the Lord did not make His children equal in terms of appearance, endowment, personality and intelligence He sees no need to parade the ‘gift basket’ He has bestowed upon you with arrogance.

Please take 3:19 minutes to watch the following video which is a compilation of scenes from the Easter themed family movie, Hop.  Although the movie was released in 2011, the issues highlighted and the fight against racism are timeless.

In view of this and as a tribute to this hardworking species, the Lord has enlisted the help of chicks to awaken Him.

Who better for the job than Carlos and his crew?

Like the song, they braved crossing the border to go to His His Holiness.

I will follow Him, Ever since He touched my heart I knew,

There isn’t an ocean too deep, A mountain so high it can keep,

 Keep me away, away from His love.
I love Him, I love Him, I love Him, And where He goes, I’ll follow, I’ll follow, I’ll follow.
We will follow Him,(follow him) Follow Him wherever He may go,(uhh, uhh, uhh …)

 There isn’t an ocean too deep … (too deep) A mountain so high it can keep, Keep me away, away from His love…

They even managed to slip past the German guard dog, a Reh Pinscher!*

Their faith was put to the test.

They said Gloria

 

Their faith was rewarded!

They rejoiced!

Carlos will always be Carlos!

Happy Easter Jesus Lovers.  The Lord calls upon you his flock to continue the crusade against racism!

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

*Hermano : Brother

*Reh Pinscher: Miniature Pinschers originated from Germany and they called them Reh Pinschers because they looked like the small red deers.

*Gloria: ‘Glory Be’ in Spanish. Glory be to the Father,  and to the Son,  and to the Holy Spirit,  as it was in the beginning,  is now, and ever shall be,  world without end. Amen.

*No se acuerda el cura de cuando fue sacristán: ‘The priest doesn´t remember his days as a verger’ On escalating to more influential positions, it´s a test not to forget our humbler days and continue being understanding of people of lower standing.

All Sorts of Indulgence in Melbourne!

Dear Jesus Lover,

The good Lord let Wheeze and Squeak have the full day exploring and burning a hole in their little pockets on Brunswick Street.  It doesn’t get trendier or sweatier than shopping there in 40 degree heat!  Freshening up was imperative before their dinner reservations at Spanish hot spot MOVIDA!

He waged another crusade on body odour and WON!

The floor to ceiling mirrrors were good for ensuring His hair was perfectly coiffed.

The Lord raided the mini bar for pre-dinner drinks.  It’s always good to get a head start!

He took pity on his flock and absolved the patrons of Movida of their sins, mainly gluttony.  It wasn’t their fault that the tapas was positively sinful!

Where else but the Crown Hotel and Casino to end a fabulous day!

He managed to supervise the hired minions taking down His birthday decorations.  Always micro-managing.

Even the lighting was big and fabulous!

The perfect way to end the day with in-your-face glitz, over-priced highstreet clothing and games of chance!  We love you Melbourne!

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

Victorian Opulence

Dear Jesus Lover,

The Lords took His chruchmice to the trendy city of Melbourne, much like a school trip but they flew Virgin Blue instead of taking the bus.  If there is only one thing He could take from His extensive travels it is; location, location, location.  They checked into the Grand Hyatt, a 5 star luxury hotel smack bang in the middle of Collins Street.  He loves the perks of having a flock which is afraid of being judged by their neighbours when the collection box gets passed round.

 Only a high floor would do, obviously – look at the view!

It reminded Him of one of Pitbull’s top 40 hits…

 ♫ Baby you can get it, if you with it we can play    

Baby I got cribs, I got condos we can stay    

Even got a king size mattress we can lay    

Baby I don’t care, I don’t care what they say    

I know you want me, want me    

 You know I want cha, want cha

But the sound of Wheeze and Squeak’s incessant chattering brought Him back to reality.

Where the Holiday Inn doesn’t provide L-shaped sofas, essential in the practice of proper lounging…

As with most things, BIGGER is BETTER!  His Holiness also appreciated the sleek, black design.  Silver TVs aren’t nearly as classy.

 

The Lord loves how in trying to provide everything, the hotel grouped all unnecessary items on the nightstand.

And all the necessary items together.

Look out Melbourne!!!

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak 

Slinking Through Sydney….

Dear Jesus Lover,

The Lord is apologetic about the slight hiatus in posting.  He has been tied up doing the obligatory tourist thing with SQueak when Wheeze came for a visit.  It’s a good thing His churchmice know the importance of Him having a good time!

He decided the best place to start was close to home, hitting the tourist spots along Darling Harbour.  So off they went to WILD LIFE!

He used this opportunity to visit some of his creations and show His love doesn’t discriminate.  He loves all creatures, big, small and even ugly.

 

And stupid.  Like the Emus.

And lazy.  Like Koalas whose species have single-handedly elevated the phrase ‘Eat, Sleep and Shit’ to greater heights.

He was economical and purchased the Combo Pass so they could go to the Sydney Aquarium too.

He was not impressed with the lighting which didn’t highlight His favourite features.

 Some of the exhibits reminded him of the Amalfi coast.  But it was obviously no substitute and lacking His shrivelled, leathery, overcooked followers.

 He was pleased to bump into Ariel of ‘The Little Mermaid’ fame  (he’d seen pictures of her in the tabloids recently and sadly it looked like she had let herself go).  She had obviously had some work done.  Same-same but different texture.   His Holiness also commented on how women have become more plastic in the last 2000 years.

He also took a snap with his old fabled pal M. Dick!

His Holiness also noticed society’s renewed fascination with sex and how much importance is placed on size.  He had a little giggle since He did not make every equal!  The Lord hopes that this joke will long continue and has left it in the very capable hands of authors, editors and publishers of children’s  books to continue drilling it into the next generation!

He decided he had enough with the tourist in Sydney and thought His churchmice deserved a treat – TRENDY MELBOURNE!

Rock on!

Wheeze & SQueak

Caramelise The World…

Dear Jesus Lover,

it’s that time of year for me to plan a partay!

Once a year you illuminate phallus shaped objects in my honour.

Mammary gland disguised as rotary device – nice one zumbo!

Tasting the party food amongst his villagers.

Kawaii animae GROs*!

Going in for the purchase, not just the average free – sample. Trying is for buying.

Roman catholics provide the best service. “Milo, please!”

Spares, cos Santa ALWAYS rapes the buffet.

Happy ending. Always.

Don’t forget this is the season for giving not just receiving. Be silly but safe.

God’s choice:

Adriano Zumbo Patissier: 80 Pyrmont Street, Pyrmont

Rock On,

Wheeze & SQueak


* GRO = guest relation officer.

 

Rush of Blood to The Head

Dear Jesus Lover,

The Lord was taking a walk along His building when he came across familiar pleasure giving devices – ropes and harnesses!

Restrain me!

Like all good submissives he followed the rope….

So many implements! This will be the best ride of his life.

Getting ready for some absailing baby!

Loves a good game of Snakes and Ladders!

Getting at it from different angles!

Sydney city backdrop!

Best left to those with experience!

Children – don’t try this at home, leave it to the professionals.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak