Sexually Frustrated

Dedicated to Jesus Lover Lee to show that he isn’t only one with frustrations.

Dear Jesus Lover,

not everyone is lucky to get it when they snap their fingers.  And not everyone has an extra £20 to spend on “affection“.  The good Lord has given you the gift of the Internet, and free websites where you can be “affectionate” alone (or in a group) and in the comfort of your own home.  But do not take liberties with your ISP* and the agreed download limit.  Even His Holiness has limits.

Click for full effect.

The King quotes the King’s Speech.

Surf wisely.  Too much of a good thing is a bad thing.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

*ISP = Internet Service Provider


Tending To Your Flock

Dear Jesus Lover,

Monday has come around again.  The Messiah hopes you have enjoyed your weekend.  He certainly had a good time (thanks Otter).  However, you must not neglect your calling.  His Holiness did not and decided to visit the common people, preaching his word.  He starts off the afternoon indulging with one of his disciples over an over-priced lunch.

Ready to rock on!

He then went door to door preaching his good work.  (We didn’t mention self praise is no praise)

I will lead this lamb to the slaughter

Jesus gets in all the good gigs. (Buddies with the door bitch)

He decided to go all the way and catch public transport just like a commoner.  (He did not appreciate the wet bench or lack of shade)

Or lack of a bus and civilisation

Jesus had a revelation; the ones on death’s door are best – they offer cookies and milk.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

Sabbath Sunday

Dear Jesus Lover,

this wonderful day has come again.  It’s SFA Sunday!  The Lord rejoices with you.  But do not forget to give thanks and show your appreciation by filling your day with earthly pleasures.  His Holiness is spent from yesterday’s many pleasures and just wants to enjoy some alone time and the sand between his toes.

Hit the beach!

He prefers nudist beaches so He may admire his handiwork.

Sun worship!

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

Getting Groomed And Then Some..

Dear Jesus Lover,

you must remember to be well-groomed. It opens the door to many opportunities. The Messiah’s dishellved spiky bed-head look does not come easy.  God is no exception.  Jesus has to share the same wash basin as everyone else.

But he gets a full body suds bath.

Catching up on a little light reading.  2011 years has taken its toll – time for a little botox?

Making new friends with Melissa  (The Messiah starting to dabble in “dollification”?)

Jesus loves an “otter” apprentice.  Third year apprentices only – no rookies.


God has to pay – no exceptions!  He choose to go cash free.

Jesus is a big tipper.

As we have said dear Jesus Lovers, grooming opens many doors.

God’s choice:


They keep you coming back.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

Getting Tidy

Dear Jesus Lover,

even His Holiness is not imunne from the plague of nether region ringlets.  He is on a mission to eradicate because he has a “big” day coming tomorrow. 

Leaving a strip is for the faint hearted.


Time to meet new people and embark on new adventures.  Jilat*.


Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak


* = Google Translate.  Malay to English.  Any other search will lead you to poor quality Malay porn.


Dear Jesus Lover,

The Holy One is itching for the weekend to arrive. He will be visiting a few old “friends” and planning Sabbath Sunday.  To take the edge off, he decided to put the top down and turn the music up all for the cost of a dollar.

“Anybody can exercise but this kind of riding takes real discipline”

Afterwards, he stopped for his weekday beverage of choice.

“Good til the last drop”

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak


Dear Jesus Lover,

after the last few hedonistic days where The Messiah feasted on a Sunday dinner, devoured 50% synthetic meatballs and had a quick bowl of bukakke – he is feeling a little backed up. Learn from his mistakes (he did sacrifice himself for you). It is time you had your 5 a day. Yes, that is 2 fruits and 3 vege. Ruffage keeps you regular.

Let us remind you that your body is a temple and it is time to… take out the trash!

An apple a day, keeps colonics at bay.

Exercise restraint – go easy on the beans.

Jesus loves green. (Please over analyse this caption)

Your 5 a day will afford you a quick exit.

God’s choice – light brown floaters.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak