“Jesus Is The New Black” GaGa 2011

Dear Jesus Lover,

The Messiah is very grateful for the following He has received in recent times. However, He realises that he must stay current. It has been hard work for him getting in touch with the common man and showing you that catholic priest are not the only ones that can misbehave.

His Holiness decided to pay a visit to the local CD shop to see what were the latest offerings.

Browsing the racks (CDs and ladies) he realised that anything in the discount bin just does not satisfy.

Jesus then came across a certain individual – Lady GaGa. Turning overleaf, he got excited by such tracks like Judas, Electric Chapel, Bloody Mary and Black Jesus just to name a few.

This is exactly what the church needs – controversy to keep it current!

“Meet me later at electric chapel?”

Bloody Mary, never let me get with chicks like these!

Insert! Insert! Insert! Jesus is excited over insertion.

God’s choice – Government Hooker. Nothing like a bureaucrat to help you take the edge off. The experience is heightened if this bureaucrat can speak German. Imaging the tongue rolling involved.

Just like Jesus – say “NO” to piracy!

Rock On

Wheeze & SQueak

Stairway to Heaven

Dear Jesus Lover,

Monday is upon us again.  He is dragging his feet all the way to the Office.  Sometimes even the Boss has to look like He is mucking in with the rest.  But He draws the line at photocopying for that is a task for His secretarial bitches.

He embraces technology on the commute to work.  No rush hour traffic.  Ever.

Jesus and his administrative army of white fluff.  The team behind all your answered and unanswered prayers.

Work hard, delegate wherever possible, never accept blame, do overtime so you may be paid to go on Facebook after hours and enthusiastically lick superior ass so one day you too might have your own office and an army of administrative bitches.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

A Sunday Kind of Love

Dear Jesus Lover,

the Messiah was listening to some classic tunes* in the shower and was inspired.  He too needs “a love to last past Saturday night” and He’s “hoping to discover a certain kind of lover“.  The firefighters got Him all hot and bothered under the collar.  He decided to take an aimless stroll to let of some steam.

Choosing the right path is always difficult.  Left or right?

He ended up here!  (Sydney’s Kings Cross!!)

We cannot go into detail how He ended up here.  Everyone has shameful moments, He is no exception.

His Holiness apologises for the lack of continuity in the photographic material.  He had a bout of post coital dysphoria** and deeply regrets his actions.  Can’t always love ’em and leave ’em!  He has resolved that next Sunday he will go to the pub and play pool instead.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

*Etta James’ Sunday Kind of Love.  Available free for your listening pleasure at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfNLspDL3ns

**Post coital dysphoria:  Occurs post satisfactory nookies when a person should normally feel a sense of general well-being and experience muscular and physiological relaxation.  Sufferers become depressed, tense, anxious, irritable and show psychomotor agitation.  Sufferers often want to get away from the nookied and may become verbally or even physically abusive.  The disorder is more common in men.

It’s Getting Hot In Here

Dear Jesus Lover,

Saturday is upon us again. The Lord was wondering what he should be doing. He decided to pay the local fire fighters a visit to pat them on the back for helping with the overcrowding situation in the netherworld.

They were very pleased to see the big man up there!!

Jesus then continued to check out their equipment.

Riding with the professionals!

At this point during his Holy Visit, Jesus’s little disciple could not take the pictures due to forseen circumstances.  True to their inherent live saving nature, the firmen saved the day.  Taking the next shots.  Big props.  We avoided a foot stamping situation.

Jesus is a generous man.  Loitering so His disciple could enjoy the moment.

Jesus loves gender equality!

You always know how to reach them.

Dear Jesus Lover, cliches always hold true:

1. The Lord creates opportunities.

2. Fire fighters are a divine species.

A big holy thank you goes out to the crew at the Darlinghurst Fire Station.

Rock On,

Wheeze & SQueak

(The Messiah apologises if this post was more giggly schoolgirl than stinging wit.  He will be back tomorrow.  Wet dreams y’all!)

Sweet G…

Dear Jesus Lover,

thank fuck its Friday.  The Lord is excited that the weekend is finally upon us.  As usual he has an exciting Saturday planned that will knock your socks off!  He was getting a little hot under the collar at the thought of Saturday night’s activities!!  Gelato was the answer to help cool him down (the standard tub variety just doesn’t cut it).

After taking the bus earlier this week, the Lord opts to be chauffeured.

I want it and I want it all!

“I’ll get this one, its on the Vatican anyway”.

Keeping his toes toasty.

Boys want to be like him.  Boys want to be with him.

Everyone needs a sweet little tambourine player, even Jesus.  ♥

 (He is the Holy Grail for Catholic Priests)

Rock On,

Wheeze & SQueak

Menial Tasks

Dear Jesus Lover,

The Messiah has not given in to the trappings of the celebrity lifestyle.  His Holiness insists on expereincing the daily menial tasks that life has inflicted upon his flock.  Just like everyone He becomes hunter, gatherer and provider at the local supermarket.

Stocking up on Tequila shot and margarita supplies.  He likes to show the “chickas” a good time.

Wine and cheese platter for the next holy communion?

The Messiah’s favourite movie – Pineapple Express. He likes anything to do with greens (over analysis of this is required).

God likes to go organic in foods – not grooming!

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

Holy Horticultural Society

Dear Jesus Lover,

His Holiness does not encourage too many trips to IKEA, consuming synthethic meatballs on a weekly basis does nothing for you.  Today His Holiness suggests that you unwind in your local garden.  You may have to share your garden with the local community.

His Holiness runs his with his own holy horticultural society – Adam, Eve and Michael.  He would have preferred to have the holy trinity of boys but Eve had a hissy.  God always plays nice, bears it and rocks on.

 Don’t stray from the path.

The Lord likes a neatly trimmed bush. No strays!

 Let there be light!

Who needs a solarium? I created the sun – Genius.

Jesus Lover continue to trim your bush, work on your tan and have a quick roll in the hay to take the edge off.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

Sexually Frustrated

Dedicated to Jesus Lover Lee to show that he isn’t only one with frustrations.

Dear Jesus Lover,

not everyone is lucky to get it when they snap their fingers.  And not everyone has an extra £20 to spend on “affection“.  The good Lord has given you the gift of the Internet, and free websites where you can be “affectionate” alone (or in a group) and in the comfort of your own home.  But do not take liberties with your ISP* and the agreed download limit.  Even His Holiness has limits.

Click for full effect.

The King quotes the King’s Speech.

Surf wisely.  Too much of a good thing is a bad thing.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

*ISP = Internet Service Provider

Tending To Your Flock

Dear Jesus Lover,

Monday has come around again.  The Messiah hopes you have enjoyed your weekend.  He certainly had a good time (thanks Otter).  However, you must not neglect your calling.  His Holiness did not and decided to visit the common people, preaching his word.  He starts off the afternoon indulging with one of his disciples over an over-priced lunch.

Ready to rock on!

He then went door to door preaching his good work.  (We didn’t mention self praise is no praise)

I will lead this lamb to the slaughter

Jesus gets in all the good gigs. (Buddies with the door bitch)

He decided to go all the way and catch public transport just like a commoner.  (He did not appreciate the wet bench or lack of shade)

Or lack of a bus and civilisation

Jesus had a revelation; the ones on death’s door are best – they offer cookies and milk.

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak

Sabbath Sunday

Dear Jesus Lover,

this wonderful day has come again.  It’s SFA Sunday!  The Lord rejoices with you.  But do not forget to give thanks and show your appreciation by filling your day with earthly pleasures.  His Holiness is spent from yesterday’s many pleasures and just wants to enjoy some alone time and the sand between his toes.

Hit the beach!

He prefers nudist beaches so He may admire his handiwork.

Sun worship!

Rock on,

Wheeze & SQueak